I Just Couldn’t Let Him Go
I walked onto the red stained deck of my workplace and was immediately greeted by the laughter of thirty energetic kindergarteners and thought it was going to be an ordinary day. I entered the adjacent playground and locked eyes with one of our “problem kids.”
This was no ordinary day.
Upon hearing me discipline him for misuse of the facilities, he screamed “Shut Up! I don’t care” and scurried to the corner of the slide. I had heard this broken record so many times, but today enough was enough. I leaned over and met his stare. I firmly stated “ I don’t want you to say ‘shut up’ to me anymore.” Before I could even say another word, he hurled a handful of woodchips at my face, one of which almost landed in my eye!
I’d seen this episode played out a million times. Same story. Same ending. Until today.
In that moment, I had a choice to make. I could either allow this behavior to continue or I could change it. So I did.
Crossing his arms in front of him, I firmly and quickly escorted him to the edge of the fence. He kicked me, screamed “ You freak!” and tried to break free. With mud- caked pants and bruised legs, I continued to hold onto him.
I looked at him, and I immediately realized the reason for my restraint. I saw right past his tear –filled eyes into his soul. I saw fight after fight that he has endured and the fear that comes with family instability. I saw the baggage and self- rejection that was all too familiar. I saw a scared little boy, grasping for whatever attention he can muster out of anyone who will take a moment to care. Most importantly, I looked beyond him and saw an all too familiar face: mine.
It is the same in my relationship with Christ. When I am in sin, I struggle and try to break free from God’s convicting grip on my heart. In His loving grace and mercy, He never loosens His grip. “Endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined ( and everyone undergoes discipline) then you are illegitimate children and not true sons… No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have trained by it.”( Hebrews 12:7-12 NIV).
In the face of my sin, I wriggle and squirm , hoping for an opportunity to run away and hide. God releases me, for a short time, to allow me room to breathe in my free will. When I come running back, His tight grip turns into a loving embrace, full of love and grace. I am so happy God has never loosened His grip on me completely, no matter how hard I struggle. I’m also glad that when I return to Him, looking for those arms of grace, ( and I will need them again), I am assured that they will be waiting there for me once again.
I couldn’t let him go. Because I may be the only Jesus this child ever sees.
I patiently waited as he slowly regained his composure . When he was calm, I let him go. I had done all that I could do for him in that moment. It was time to let him go. I loosened my grip, and released him. I not only released him from my grip, but also into the heavenly Father’s care so that God could do only what He could do with him.
I thought it was an ordinary day. But, instead I taught a little boy about the unending and unflinching grace of Jesus. All because I just couldn’t let him go.
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